Hmmm...talked to a friend today who posed some interesting questions and gave me lots to think about... I'm writing a bit earlier than usual today, so I can ponder some of it 'out loud...' --which is actually somewhat hard to do on a blog since one never knows how much to say or who might read it... My friend and I were discussing the idea of 'seeking spirituality' over simply following your passion and letting 'spirit' rise from that. Of course, that's the same as being fully present in every moment and finding peace there--the hard part is learning to be that way no matter what kind of moment you're in, good or bad, up or down. I agree with him, that spirituality is not something to be 'sought after' but that should evolve 'out of' the life you're living... At least I 'think' that's what he was saying. So, I would have to say that I think the issue for me now is that when you've been in the 'bad' places, everything becomes more precious, and I think that's why I may 'seem' to be more spiritual than before (and maybe I am...because life feels more precious to me...). Elizabeth Lesser talks about it in her book, Broken Open, and Kahlil Gibran writes of it in The Prophet...'the deeper sorrow carves, the more joy you can hold.' It's the finding of your 'joy' again that gets tricky...

The other issue we discussed was the idea of 'needing' a person in one's life, and he keeps reminding me one has to be whole and self-confident before you have something to offer another person. I think the problem for me is that while I do feel confident about who I am, sometimes things 'shake' one's confidence, then finding your footing again takes some time... Does it mean one isn't confident because you 'desire' a partner along the way? Of course, partners come and go, and that means a lesson in learning to let go. Herein lies the rub... Letting go has certainly been a big 'lesson' for me, and a painful one, but I hope I'm getting it... I don't feel 'lack' in my life--I have a beautiful home, 2 wonderful cats, friends, satisfying work. But 'wouldn't it be nice' if I could also share all this with someone who loved me? Yes, of course it would...but I'm certainly not running around desperatetly trying to find that person as I might have done in the past, rather than be alone. (I do however, leave the light on...) But for now, being alone is okay, but some days it IS lonely.

I guess all this is a bit 'personal' but somehow I felt like 'puzzling it out' here today. Things take time, I would say to my friend, and we all find our way as best we can. I wish I were better at 'going with the flow...' like he does, and I know my biggest problem in life has been feelling things too deeply. I used to think that was such a virtue, but I don't believe that anymore. I believe the 'go with the flow' people have the right attitude--feel it, then get on with living. I'm not sure if it's too late for me to make adjustments in that direction...but I do know I'm trying...

In the meantime, it's Valentine's Weekend and while I'm not busy tonight, I have a full house tomorrow then guests on Sunday & Monday too. So it'll be a few days before I can 'sleep in' again. Still, glad to have the $$$ coming in!