I'm not so sure anymore, and obviously I'm not doing much of it either! Maybe it's because I'm trying to keep my 'other' journal more faithfully, and sometimes it's just hard to keep up with 2 of them! One of these days though, I should look back at how long I've been writing online--must be 5 or 6 years, at least... I think partly I'm sad because my friends who got me started on it www.karalennox.bravejournal.com and her husband Rob don't keep up with theirs much anymore. They are in the process of moving from Dallas to LA, and I'll be so sad to see them go, even though I don't see them much in Dallas. At least I pass 'through' Dallas a couple of times a year--I rarely pass through LA at all these days! So coming online to blog just isn't as much fun as it once was...Plus, seems I'm so busy these days...with the turns my life has taken, at the end of the day, I'm usually just tired and ready to 'veg' out. Hopefully I'll get past that and back to my more creative ventures some day. They're still 'in there' but no so much wanting to come 'out' anymore...for now, anyway.

I've had a couple of busy weeks with a special I ran, but then this weekend I have no guests at all, just a wedding shower tomorrow. So I'm enjoying some rare 'down time.' I'm also fighting a bit of a cold, which isn't surprising considering we're waiting for another patch of SNOW to hit mid-Missouri. Weird Spring weather! I have someone coming in for business at the college on Wed, but next week is wide open too. I sure hope things start to pick up....I've been able to save some money with refinancing, but it won't last forever with out paying guests!

Anyway, that's pretty much it for me at the moment. I'll try to get back into a routine in the days ahead. Hope you're having a warmer weekend that I am!!

I'm not sure...sometimes I just disappear...literally and most definitely figuratively! It's okay...I sometimes find myself again too... It's been a bit of a crazy week...lots of not so pleasant issues to deal with, but tonight, I'm here, guests in the house, and though it's a quiet one, hoping for a good weekend. This is Fulton's 150th anniversary...there's a ceremony at City Hall tomorrow, and I think I'll go, because I do love and support this town. While sometimes it isn't 'easy' to be here, I'm glad I found this place, for whatever the reason...at the moment, I'm not really trying to know or understand anything, I'm just 'here.'

Today I went to Columbia, had my hair cut, hit the library and found some good books and tapes, went to acupuncture, then came home and waited for my guests. They're here now, and I'm tired and ready to call it a night. I'm eager to sleep and dream and see what tomorrow brings... Till then...

...and so it is, but I'm hanging in there in spite of it. The rain is good, and it isn't too cold. Tomorrow may be colder. But Spring will be here soon, and Spring speaks of new beginnings, and perhaps I will have one of my own. Perhaps I'm already having it...I'm open to it now, or later.

I'm keeping busy. Getting back to the Y on a regular basis, catching up on work, taxes, looking forward to a big high school 'reunion' in September. Counting on the daily good to keep me on 'the path.' Thanks for that, RB. Life has to go on, and I have to be true to my 'self,' regardless of what anyone else wants. So I am determined to get back to 'me.'

I had a weird dream about my cat last night. My 'favorite' cat, but don't tell the other one. Someone had 'kidnapped' him and had him in a horrible place--a house, but locked up in a room where he couldn't have any real enjoyment in life. Ok, as I'm thinking of it now, I'm realizing I can't blog about this dream. It was TOO weird. So if you know me, you can email me privately and I will give you details, and if you don't know me, well, you're better off not knowing the details.

Send me good vibes tomorrow--I have a scary dentist appt., and if you know me, you know I'm scared of dentists...

Yes, it's that time of year again, and pulling it all together is just the pits. Especially considering my current situation...what a mess! But I think I'm finally making heads and tails of it and can meet with the accountant this week. I just hope we don't owe anything, but unless it's on Jim's end, I know me and the B&B haven't made any money. We're barely squeaking by... What a week--taxes and a dental appt. on Wed--what could be worse! Still, I'm glad to have mostly healthy teeth and a business that allows me some flexibility...so that's the 'silver' lining, I suppose...

It's been a weird weekend. Only one couple, but that was ok...went to the Y auction last night and had a pretty decent time, then went to JC to deal with my antique booth today. Met a friend later for coffee, which was also nice. Still feel down though...Once I get to 'that' place, it's just hard to pull out of it... I try, and I guess keeping busy helps. Getting some of the 'sucky' stuff done helps too. So I keep chipping away at that, and hopefully will see brighter days ahead.

One good thing on the horizon is my high school reunion, coming up in September. We haven't had one in 10 or 15 years, so it will be good to see everyone... I can't do a lot from here, but I'm trying to help locate 'lost' people...something I'm relatively good at. The only lost person I seem to have trouble finding these days is ME. I'll just have to keep looking, I guess...

Anyway, that's about the sum of it for my weekend. A busy week ahead, but nothing particularly exciting. Hopefully that will change. At least the weather here has been pretty perfect. Nothing wrong with Spring's arrival, that's for sure...

I stumble, I fall, I get back up...it is not easy, but it's the only way. I wonder daily how I could love so much, and for the other, it seems only to be a thing of the past. How can that be? How does one person put aside the love, while the other has built their life and future on it? I wish I could understand this...perhaps I never will. It's not that I am not at peace...peace is all around me and I learn daily to accept life as it it... Yet still, I wonder where the love went for him, when mine remains as true--truer--than it ever was. So strange...

Still, today was a good day. The weather was perfect, I took a long walk, managed to get some work done, took some new bookings, finished up the closing on the house, went for acupuncture. Now I'm just waiting for guests, who are later than I would wish, but hopefully will be here soon. Tomorrow will be a new day, a full day, and we'll lose an hour, which means Sunday will be hard. But all will be well, as well as it can be. Life is so strange; peace, but not happiness... I hold to peace, for now...

Another busy day, with working out at the Y, meeting a friend for coffee and then working at the coffee shop. Tomorrow I'm off to Columbia for acupuncture and then guests later in the day... All in all keeping quiet busy... For the moment, looking forward to a quiet evening... Not a particularly excitin day, all in all... Hopefully a better update tomorrow...

Life is nothing if not interesting... I've recently found an 'old' friend on Classmates, a former neighborhood friend who may have very well been my first-ever date! Now the sad part of this story is, while I remember my friend quite well, I have virtually no recollection of the date. And I feel rather horrible about that--in our correspondence, he told me all these details about how his mom took us to a movie and he gave me a box of candy, etc, etc, all the while I am struggling to remember seeing the movie!!! And I can't help but wonder, after all these years, if it still stings him a bit that I don't remember? Still, I have to say I'm glad he DOES. One thing I love about life now is collecting memories from people I've forgotten. I love the way pieces of them start to come by, and when I really work at it, I start to remember more and more about who I was, and who he was, and who our friends were, and those childhood memories lost in the gray matter start to take form again. But why, I wonder, does one person remember while another forgets? Granted, I wasn't particularly happy at home during those years, so maybe some of the 'lost' times have to do with that. Or maybe, fickle that even young women can be, it just didn't mean as much as it did to him. Yet now, all these years later, I've found my friend again and been able to explore not only that shared past with him, but also have some wonderful conversations about who we are at this point in our lives. He's a pastor, so we have REALLY had some interesting conversations! (And if you're reading this, my friend, I hope you don't mind my blogging about it!) I am trying to write more authentically, and to include here topics of real interest, rather than just the boring activities of my (often) boring days. At any rate, one of the best things about this past year has been reconnecting with old friends, and knowing that with some people, the connections will always be there, changed though they may be. There's comfort in that...

In the meantime, today was rather boring, I'm afraid, but the weather was lovely and I had a walk and got some work done, and felt stronger and better. Rick Warren, author of A Purpose Driven Life, talks about life as railroad tracks, how sadness can run alongside peace or joy. I feel so much of that in my life...right now, the sadness is always there, my lost best friend, loss in general, but there is such peace on some other level. Such a knowing that somehow, all is well. Somehow, I am loved, even if not always by the ones I wish could love me... Life is still good, as Anne Frank says, in spite of everything....

Yesterday was crazy and today, though I'm at home, hasn't been much better. Just SO much to do at the moment--seems like everything has gotten away from me. Trying to play catchup on a million different things isn't at all easy...Still, it's good to keep busy, I guess.

Finished up the re-fi on the house yesterday. The payment didn't lower as much as I'd hoped, but at least it includes both taxes AND insurance now, so that's good. Yesterday was a bit of a downer for a variety or reasons--maybe the letdown after the 'fun' on Sunday, or maybe just wishing the fun times were shared. For me, there's always been something about having that someone who shares your goals and dreams, who's there at the end of the day...I suppose I will always desire that kind of connection in my life. But one thing I've learned, you can't make it happen, and you just have to be where you are, with or without.

So today I'm catching up and looking ahead. Especially to warmer weather, which is due later this week. It will be nice to take long walks outside in the sunshine. It will be nice to see Spring.

Boy, what a day!!! Started out with an amazing breakfast with my guest and his daughter--a fabulous conversation about consciousness, awakening, and the evolution of the human spirit. It was hard to believe the insight coming from this man's 17-year-old daughter! The conversation began with a discussion of the subjugating of women from ancient times, then moved on to the idea of consciousness and its containment in human form, then moved to how anything material can absorb the 'energy' of humans (like this house, for instance!), and ended with how we can bring 'light' to relationships--thus having everything we want in our human existence but still being able to transcend it at the same time. Amazing! It was like having breakfast with Eckhart Tolle--and his daughter!!--if he had one! Lee says the body is like a 'surfboard' and all you have to do is ride the wave! I like that metaphor! We talked about the Bible a lot, and how many Christian's mistake its metaphors for factual accounts, and I love his metaphorical interpretation of the story of Lot's wife, who was told not to look back at the devastation she was leaving--and when she did, was turned into a pillar of SALT! What a message for ME!! Don't look back, don't look back, don't look back!! My insightful interpretation for the day had to do with Revelations and the Rapture--all those people who simply 'disappear'--to me this is what awakening consciousness is all about--learning that nothing is 'real' and that everything in our existence is created by our minds, so when we finally evolve to a full 'understanding' that everything we believe is 'real' is simply 'space', it disappears and so do 'we'... And those who don't 'evolve' to such a realization will remain in 'form' and destroy themselves and the world they believe is 'real.' It's an interesting idea, but who knows...as Lee says, sometimes you just have to accept the mystery for what it is--mystery.

We also talked about transformation on a 'personal' level, and how sometimes you have to 'cocoon' before you become the 'butterfly.' But once you start on this journey, no matter how much you want to, you can never return to living in 'illusion' again. I know this has been my struggle--I liked the illusion and I wanted to stay there, but that time has past, and now the Universe has other things in store for me. Who knows what, but they will be wonderful, if I 'trust the process.' Exactly the words that Kim Eng (Eckhart Tolle's partner) wrote to me when the Oprah webcast was happening! Coincidence, or just truth?

I spent the rest of the day getting ready for my potluck tonight--my 'coming out' party--which was a resounding success! Had a really nice turnout with the film group from Jeff City as well as several local friends and friends of friends too. It was wonderful--the house was filled with laughter, good food, and stimulating conversation! It was great to spend time getting to know the Jeff City group better; they stayed after most of the local gang left, and it was a hoot to swap 'war' stories about movies, men, and dog shows! I couldn't have asked for a nicer evening--and the best part is, I don't have to get up early to do anything tomorrow! Oh, I've missed my workouts lately, but I've been running around so much that hopefully I can catch up on them next week!

Tomorrow I close on the house re-fi, and then I've got several appointments in Columbia, so it will be a busy day. But all in all, I feel a bit more like my old self, or my new self, or whoever I'm turning out to be, and that's a good thing. I'm still not completely sure who she is, but I do hope I'm going to like her. So, a long post, a bit too 'spiritual' for the taste of some, I'm sure, but honest, at least. Till tomorrow...

Not in the usual sense for me today, though. I had 4 ladies here and another teacher for a writers' retreat. It went pretty well, I thought. The topic was writing as therapy and writing memoir. Everyone seemed to enjoy it; had a nice lunch and some good conversation; made some new friends. A good day. It had snowed in Sedalia where the other teacher had to drive from, but it was pretty dry here until later, and luckily all the participants were local. I couldn't help but wonder how the Jameson ladies would have felt about our gathering in the parlor...as they must have gathered in the past...

After all this, I'm ready to get back to my writing--had forgotten how important it is in easing stress and for venting, but most of the ladies here also journal and really testified to that fact. I don't know why I'm so irregular about it--guess life just gets busy. But I have a free night, so I'm going to put in some time with it!

Otherwise, I only have the 2 guests left tonight, then tomorrow I'll need to work on a bit of cleaning and get ready for the potluck. I'd love to get to the Y, but not sure if that will happen or not. I haven't been in a while, so I could really use the workout, a stress reducer in its own right.

On another note, I did finish all the input on my books tonight, and now just need to gather everything for the accountant. I have to say (modestly) that I'm proud of myself. I've had to deal with a lot, to learn a lot, to manage a lot, and I think I've done pretty well. I'm feeling more confident--at least today anyway! There are certain 'mind paths' I can't go down, but when I don't, I see this--all is a blank canvas, but I am well. Not a bad way to be.

Tomorrow night I'm having a potluck, and the house will be full of laughter. That will be good, too.